I am guest blogging for Cheerful One.

I know she is using me, but at least she likes sausage.


Some of you will remember how Mrs Colin left me just before Christmas, to live as a lesbian in Croydon.

She returned home today, with all her belongings.

"Still here then, Colin?" she said.

"Still here," I said. I was mildly pleased to see her, even though I was busy cooking sausages in the kitchen for my lunch when she walked in, and she disturbed my meticulous preparation.

"Would you like a sausage?" I asked, just to be friendly.

"Is that a euphemism, Colin?" replied Mrs Colin, smiling.

"No, it's a sausage. Bernard Matthews Turkey & Pork variety."

Apparently, Mrs Colin only eats Quorn now.

I am a cult

This morning, while waiting in the bus queue next to a man who smelt of onions and a woman picking the remains of last night's kebab out of her teeth, I had a blinding revelation about where the world is going wrong, about how we can achieve world peace and live forever in a blissful Utopia. I decided the only way to achieve this was for me to become a charismatic and mystical religious leader and form the Cult Of Colin, which would be based out of a converted soft furnishings shop in Tooting Bec.

So I decided to do it. There and then. Because the world needs to be saved from its imminent destruction. I crossed over the road and waited at the opposite bus stop for the 155 going down to Tooting.

Unfortunately, the roads were busy, there were serious traffic delays, I had forgotten my travelcard, plus I didn't have any small change on me to buy a ticket. So I went home.

I am now having a nice cup of tea and treating myself to a moist Jaffa Cake. After all, I think I deserve a treat for coming up with a plan to save the world, even if being a cult leader has to wait for another day. Maybe.


I have decided to get a new imaginary friend, as the old one isn't talking to me.


Last week, I converted to Catholicism. Just on a whim.

This morning, I went to my first confession. Clearly, even my sins are far too humdrum, since the priest nodded off before I got to the end.

I have decided to include more fornication in the list next time, just to keep him awake.


I am in a mood.

Maybe it is the hot weather, or maybe it is the nagging feeling of discontent which bites constantly at my ankles threatening to overtake me at any moment resulting in death, destruction and the pointless throwing of chairs.

I just can't tell.

The appliance of science

It is hot. As a consequence, I am hot too.

So I have put on my electric fan.

I am now cooler.


Live two

My neighbours are still at it.

They're almost convincing me to take up regular exercise, in order to increase my stamina.



My neighbours are at it again.

I am going to buy some earplugs.