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Some of you will remember how Mrs Colin left me just before Christmas, to live as a lesbian in Croydon.

She returned home today, with all her belongings.

"Still here then, Colin?" she said.

"Still here," I said. I was mildly pleased to see her, even though I was busy cooking sausages in the kitchen for my lunch when she walked in, and she disturbed my meticulous preparation.

"Would you like a sausage?" I asked, just to be friendly.

"Is that a euphemism, Colin?" replied Mrs Colin, smiling.

"No, it's a sausage. Bernard Matthews Turkey & Pork variety."

Apparently, Mrs Colin only eats Quorn now.