It is the new year. As a consequence, I have returned to work in my humdrum office, full of good intentions and exciting, far-reaching plans.

This morning, I have already tested every one of my twenty-seven variously coloured ballpoint pens, and checked that my entire collection of staples remained pure, virgin and intact.

I have 5, 732 staples. That is exactly as many as there were before Christmas.

I feel relieved.