Humdrum

Dead

2008-11-24T15:22:00.002Z

Contrary to my previous statement, I regret to inform you that I am, in fact, now dead. My passing was unremarkable, and involved a Jehovah's Witness doorstep caller and a grand piano. Death, meanwhile, is very humdrum. Dull, even. Plus there are no sausages.

Alive

2008-07-03T21:17:00.002Z

Despite appearances, I am not dead. I am merely waiting for the ceiling to fall on my head. Mrs Colin says that might happen sooner than I think. But then she is upstairs practicing particularly vigorous kickboxing with her new lesbian lover, Maureen.

Bank Holiday

2008-05-27T09:19:00.002Z

Returning to work today, I faced the usual round of questions about what I did with my Bank Holiday weekend.

Needless to say, I did what I do every Bank Holiday. I went and sat on the steps of my local branch of the National Westminster Bank in the high street, and read a 73-page leaflet on life insurance policies. I do not think banks should have days off.

I did not tell my colleagues this, though. No, I said that I went to IKEA with Mrs Colin, where we bought some Flurrhugurr shelf units and an ornamental plant stand. They thought that was very interesting.

Tagged

2008-04-29T21:27:00.002Z

I have been 'tagged' in a 'meme' by someone called Imogen, who is a 'blogger'. I do not know what any of these words mean.

Apparently, I should reach for the book nearest to me, turn to page 123, go to the fifth sentence, and then post the next three sentences on my 'blog'.

If only Imogen had asked me earlier, I would have had so many books to choose from, including String Through The Ages, 101 Things To Do With a Bic Ballpoint Pen, the 1978 manual for an Austin Maxi, and a favourite fascinating tome called The Life and Times of a Car Park Attendant.

Unfortunately, I am currently sitting in my shed - where I have been banished by Mrs Colin whilst she is removing small hairs from intimate places that I am not allowed to see - and the only book I have to hand is called If You're Happy and You Know It by someone called Andre Jordan. Mrs Colin gave it to me for Christmas.

I have turned to page 123 and there is a picture. I think I have got this 'meme' thing all wrong. I am very confused. I hope the 'blogger' called Imogen will not be offended.

Can I go now?

Breakfast

2008-04-27T11:42:00.003Z

This morning for breakfast, I had two crumpets and some Swiss cheese.

There were 127 individual air holes in each crumpet.

I do not know how many holes there are in the Swiss cheese, though. I am saving the enjoyment of counting those for later. Now that I am getting older, I can't take too much excitement at one go.

I will report back on my cheese-related discoveries at a later date.

Footie

2008-04-05T15:35:00.002Z

As it is Saturday, I am partaking in the traditional male British pastime of watching the football.

The football was kicked onto my front drive by some children, two weeks ago.

I am watching that football.

It is not doing anything.

How exciting.

Ill

2008-03-08T16:00:00.001Z

I have a bad case of the man flu.

I would like a more interesting virus. But no, I just have a cold.

Even my mucus is humdrum.

Ennui

2008-02-06T13:39:00.000Z

I am not dead, despite appearances. I am merely utterly bored.

I know it is ironic that the most boring man in the entire world is bored, but I don't care about that at the moment. Because I am bored.

Employment

2008-01-07T12:35:00.000Z

It is the new year. As a consequence, I have returned to work in my humdrum office, full of good intentions and exciting, far-reaching plans.

This morning, I have already tested every one of my twenty-seven variously coloured ballpoint pens, and checked that my entire collection of staples remained pure, virgin and intact.

I have 5, 732 staples. That is exactly as many as there were before Christmas.

I feel relieved.

Round robin

2007-12-13T08:51:00.000Z

I am writing my Chriistmas cards to all my friends, and updating them on events in the Humdrum household.

Dear Colin,

Happy Christmas. Nothing of any interest happened this year. I hope you have a fun time celebrating the birth of the baby Jesus.

Love Mr & Mrs Colin.

Sociable

2007-11-26T08:54:00.000Z

I am now available on social networking sites. Specifically Facebook. I hear it's the big new thing.

So does this make me sociable?

Realisation

2007-11-20T21:45:00.000Z

To solve my emotional problems, I am having cognitive behavioural therapy.

Today, the psychotherapist said to me: "You need to recognise that your behaviour is exceptionally dull and tedious".

Then she charged me forty-five pounds.

I feel enlightened. I shall go back next week.

Scabby knees

2007-11-19T19:37:00.000Z

To solve my emotional problems, I am having regression therapy.

I am currently three years old.

I was a very boring three-year-old too.

Mummy, can I have some more chocolate spread?

Whether

2007-10-09T07:36:00.000Z

My Humdrum life is not getting enough readers. This is disappointing. So I have decided to become a sex blogger. It is apparently the big new thing.

Here is my first sex blog post.

"Cindy Lou called up again. Breathily, she told me that she was moist and dripping.

I told her that she should really wear a sensible anorak if she intends to go out in the rain again."

Phone

2007-10-04T16:13:00.001Z

I had a telephone call. It was from a woman named Cindy Lou. In breathy tones, she informed me that she would like to engage in torrid phone sex.

I told her that I couldn't possibly accommodate her until after 6.00pm, when the cheaper tariff starts. Then I hung up.

Vanity

2007-08-29T15:50:00.000Z

I am guest blogging for Cheerful One.

I know she is using me, but at least she likes sausage.

Return

2007-08-20T18:03:00.000Z

Some of you will remember how Mrs Colin left me just before Christmas, to live as a lesbian in Croydon.

She returned home today, with all her belongings.

"Still here then, Colin?" she said.

"Still here," I said. I was mildly pleased to see her, even though I was busy cooking sausages in the kitchen for my lunch when she walked in, and she disturbed my meticulous preparation.

"Would you like a sausage?" I asked, just to be friendly.

"Is that a euphemism, Colin?" replied Mrs Colin, smiling.

"No, it's a sausage. Bernard Matthews Turkey & Pork variety."

Apparently, Mrs Colin only eats Quorn now.

I am a cult

2007-08-16T07:51:00.000Z

This morning, while waiting in the bus queue next to a man who smelt of onions and a woman picking the remains of last night's kebab out of her teeth, I had a blinding revelation about where the world is going wrong, about how we can achieve world peace and live forever in a blissful Utopia. I decided the only way to achieve this was for me to become a charismatic and mystical religious leader and form the Cult Of Colin, which would be based out of a converted soft furnishings shop in Tooting Bec.

So I decided to do it. There and then. Because the world needs to be saved from its imminent destruction. I crossed over the road and waited at the opposite bus stop for the 155 going down to Tooting.

Unfortunately, the roads were busy, there were serious traffic delays, I had forgotten my travelcard, plus I didn't have any small change on me to buy a ticket. So I went home.

I am now having a nice cup of tea and treating myself to a moist Jaffa Cake. After all, I think I deserve a treat for coming up with a plan to save the world, even if being a cult leader has to wait for another day. Maybe.

Sociable

2007-08-14T16:03:00.001Z

I have decided to get a new imaginary friend, as the old one isn't talking to me.

Confessional

2007-08-12T11:00:00.000Z

Last week, I converted to Catholicism. Just on a whim.

This morning, I went to my first confession. Clearly, even my sins are far too humdrum, since the priest nodded off before I got to the end.

I have decided to include more fornication in the list next time, just to keep him awake.

Moody

2007-08-10T16:35:00.000Z

I am in a mood.

Maybe it is the hot weather, or maybe it is the nagging feeling of discontent which bites constantly at my ankles threatening to overtake me at any moment resulting in death, destruction and the pointless throwing of chairs.

I just can't tell.

The appliance of science

2007-08-04T11:36:00.000Z

It is hot. As a consequence, I am hot too.

So I have put on my electric fan.

I am now cooler.

Simple.

Live two

2007-08-03T05:35:00.000Z

My neighbours are still at it.

They're almost convincing me to take up regular exercise, in order to increase my stamina.

Almost.

Live

2007-08-01T14:52:00.000Z

My neighbours are at it again.

I am going to buy some earplugs.

Virtual reality

2007-07-27T16:31:00.000Z

I'm sorry that I haven't been updating Humdrum, but I got sucked in to the exciting virtual world of Second Life.

I spend my whole days there, drinking tea, eating sausages, watching daytime TV and talking to my virtual pet budgie, Colin Jr.

It is much more exciting than real life, I can tell you.

Disabled

2007-05-01T17:29:00.000Z

I have broken my arm. It is in a sling. I cannot tie my shoelaces. I am in a lot of pain.

Some of my best friends are disabled. I told my blind friend that I now know exactly how it feels to be like him. Even though he cannot see and I have a broken arm, which are quite different things. I told him that I was very, very sorry for him. He said nothing. His guide dog growled at me.

A few seconds later, after my blind friend had worked out whereabouts I was in the room, he smacked me in the mouth.

Today, I learned that I am not really disabled. Oh.

But my jaw hurts.

[Blogging Against Disablism Day 2007]

Easter

2007-04-09T13:01:00.000Z

So that's Easter over for another year. During the four-day holiday, I discovered that there is nothing special about the average Easter egg. It is just a bar of chocolate melted and then re-shaped as a large egg.

I feel cheated.

Insomnia

2007-04-07T23:04:00.000Z

I cannot sleep tonight.

So I am counting sheep.

Or at least I was counting sheep until a few minutes ago. Unfortunately, they got bored and decided to go and jump over somebody else's gate instead.

Church

2007-04-02T21:02:00.000Z

Today I went to church to finally pray for the forgiveness of all my sins.

I didn't get very far. As I raised my eyes from my kneeling position to gaze up at the Lord Jesus Christ, he was already looking decidedly bored with hearing about my transgressions.

So I went home and watched Songs Of Praise instead.

Sarcasm

2007-03-21T08:08:00.000Z

I have been reading about the concept of sarcasm.

I am a very exciting person, you know.

Sorry

2007-03-14T09:24:00.000Z

I am sorry for my recent absence from Humdrum.

All that happened was that I went out to get a pint of milk. But there was a queue at the corner shop.

It was a long queue.

Crumbly

2007-01-27T15:50:00.000Z

I have just eaten a tart.

Strawberry.

My upper lip is sticky with jam, and I have crumbs on my jumper.

Atishoo

2007-01-25T15:04:00.000Z

I have got a cold.

I have used 27 tissues.

Drink

2007-01-20T13:26:00.000Z

I have just had a cup of tea.

It was nice.

Feces

2007-01-17T10:17:00.000Z

Channel 4 has a program called: You are what you eat.

It is all about plump people's poo.

I do not like it.

Lasagna

2007-01-11T18:48:00.000Z

It has been sitting on the sideboard growing a fine layer of mould for five days now.

The lasagna, I mean. Not me.

I have been too busy talking to the wall. There is one particular part of the wall in the living-room which seems to show the faint outline of Mrs Colin's silhouette in its shadows.

I'm sure I'm not just imagining it.

I am going to have lasagna for dinner tonight, I think.

Discourse

2007-01-07T10:23:00.000Z

"Where are you going with that suitcase?"

"Brighton. To live with Brenda"

"What time will you be back. I'm planning to make lasagna tonight"

"Goodbye Colin"

Wet

2007-01-06T11:05:00.000Z

The rain is pouring down and down. It is a good day for staying in.

Luckily I never go out.

A long night's journey into day

2007-01-05T06:27:00.000Z

I cannot sleep. To pass the time, I am lying in bed, staring directly upwards to count the nobbles on the textured ceiling.

One nobble, two nobbles, three ...

Oh, wait a minute. It's dark, being night time. I can't see the nobbles. Damn.

Still, it could be worse. I could be having nightmares about scary monsters or having sex with the entire cast of Emmerdale.

Escapism

2007-01-03T00:05:00.000Z

I av bing snifig glou

A new dawn

2007-01-02T10:44:00.000Z

This morning, my horoscope tells me that 2007 is going to be the year in which I ... oh, I don't know. I'm going back to bed.

Amour

2006-12-29T12:34:00.000Z

I think I may be in love.

It is probably too soon to announce the object of my fervour, as perhaps I should wait until I have mentioned it to the recipient.

In the meantime I am going to sit here and enjoy the hormonal fug.

Happy happy humdrum

2006-12-22T13:43:00.000Z

With Mrs Colin sharing her stocking(s) elsewhere this Christmas, I am about to seal myself indoors with an individual turkey dinner, a single festive cracker and an extra large bottle of Bailey's Irish Cream liqueur. I shall watch nothing but hour upon hour of comedy repeats on UK Gold.

I would like to wish a very humdrum Christmas to (all) my reader. Think of me when you are celebrating with your family and friends, opening presents and generally having a jolly old time.

Less nice

2006-12-19T20:12:00.000Z

Kung po chicken is less nice if you have it two nights in a row. Especially from the same local takeaway. Especially when the reason for the second consecutive helping of kung po chicken is due to the sudden unexplained absence of Mrs Colin, who had promised me skinless sausages again tonight.

I am going to watch snooker. I like the sound the balls make when they shoot into the pockets.

Nice

2006-12-18T18:16:00.000Z

Kung po chicken is nice.

Thank you.

Pills

2006-12-16T10:27:00.000Z

I went to the doctors on Tuesday.

He gave me some happy pills.

Take two a day, he said. lift your spirit in no time, he said.

He was clearly lying.

Skinless sausages

2006-12-13T00:49:00.000Z

Tonight, the fragrant Mrs Colin broke the news to me that, for the past sixteen months, she has been conducting a sordid affair with a lesbian trapeze artist from Lithuania, and wishes to divorce me in order to set up home with Flavia (for that is her name) in Croydon, where they will live in contortionist sapphic sin with each other.

Fortunately, however, we had skinless sausages and mashed potato for supper. My favourite. Mrs Colin makes superb mashed potato, and her skinless sausages are always just the right side of burnt.

Web 2.0.

2006-12-11T23:28:00.000Z

I was reading one of those top blogs earlier.

It was very good.

I would put a link up for you - but I have forgotten what it was called now.

sorry

Presence

2006-12-10T15:30:00.000Z

I have been trying to do my Christmas shopping, but Amazon do not sell socks.

Apologetic

2006-12-08T20:17:00.000Z

Sorry about that.

Life got so exciting there for a moment that I lost the will to be humdrum.

I have now seen sense. And sense is even more humdrum than it was before.

Sink

2006-08-15T15:41:00.000Z

I recently realised that it is possible to assess my mental state from the quantity of washing-up that has built up in the kitchen.

Oh dear.

Illuminate

2006-08-12T17:58:00.000Z

Last night at 2am when I could not sleep I hung out of my window to breathe in some fresh air.

It was completely light.

(This does not seem quite right.)

Twinkle

2006-07-20T19:13:00.000Z

From this position in my flat, I can watch the little blinking orange light on my wireless router, and see how it reacts to me carrying out different tasks on the internet.

A moment ago it was flashing in a distinctly agitated fashion, but now that I'm typing this post it has slowed to nothing more than an occasional embarrassed flicker.

How appropriate.

Sun

2006-07-15T08:22:00.000Z

I do not like the sun.

It melts the snow, and confuses the heart.

When the sun is out - heartache and humiliation are sure to follow.

Employment

2006-07-11T18:15:00.000Z

Today I sat at my desk and tried to become invisible.

It didn't work.

Blather

2006-07-09T12:09:00.000Z

An acquaintance tries to make small talk by asking me if I've seen this programme or that programme.

I haven't seen either.

I say no, I haven't seen the first programme.

There is an uncomfortable silence.

I say yes to the second programme, even though I've not seen it.

Aural

2006-07-07T16:26:00.000Z

While the weather is warm I have been sleeping with all my windows open.

As a result of this I feel as though I no longer live alone, but in the bosom of my neighbours. I now know when they make cups of tea, call thier children for dinner, chastise their dogs, or have lengthy and noisy orgasms.

Suddenly winter seems that much more attractive.

Alpha Male

2006-07-01T13:57:00.000Z

Last week I sat down in a hurry and broke my sofa.

This was inconvenient as I do not enjoy watching TV with my knees level with my neck.

Today I have mended it with screws, and pushing. If Mrs Colin were still here I am sure she would be impressed. I may take a photograph of my screwing and send it to her - to woo her back.

Lost

2006-06-29T12:52:00.000Z

I have lost my sandwich

It is most infuriating!

Travel

2006-06-23T07:47:00.000Z

I like going to places.

I go by car, by train, and sometimes by bus.

Often the going is the best part of the trip. I look out of the window and disappear into a world of my own making. Some days it can be uncomfortable getting out of it again.

Informative

2006-06-19T17:08:00.000Z

I went away.

I am back.

News

2006-05-28T13:24:00.000Z

Current affairs elude me.

I watch the TV news purely to see how the newsreader signs off at the end of the programme. Will it be a serious "goodnight", a friendly smile or even a momentarily cheeky wink?

It's at times like this that I miss the reassurance of Michael Buerk.

Painkiller

2006-05-20T10:30:00.000Z

I have temporarily forsaken little white Ibuprofen pills.

I am dissolving soluble aspirin in water, because it's a far more effervescent experience, and I need excitement with my painkillers. It reassures me that the thumping agony is worth it in the end.

Las Vegas

2006-05-16T12:36:00.000Z

I went to Las Vegas for my holidays.

I didn't like it.

Petal

2006-05-14T10:31:00.000Z

She left behind her rose-scented soap; and I have used it until only a slither remains.

I like smelling like a flower, but the boys in the office sometimes look at me funny.

Spam

2006-05-13T09:11:00.000Z

Spam email is so very humdrum that even I find it boring by now.

But wait just one humdrum minute - what's this?

Subject: The pain of love is the pain of being alive. It is a perpetual wound.

Oh, this does sound more interesting. Maybe I should open the email and read more ...

Welcome!
[E]rectile
[D]ysfunction?

Regrettably, the contrast of the tragic and poetic subject line with the very personal content beneath it is now making me wonder whether this isn't just spam, but rather yet one more missive from a bitter and disappointed ex-partner.

I really must get myself some better email correspondents.

Approximately

2006-05-11T09:47:00.000Z

I am taller than a letterbox, but smaller than a lamppost.

I am of average height.

Approximately.

[I have lost my tape measure]

Review

2006-05-08T11:21:00.000Z

That Dan Brown is an idiot.

I don't believe a word he writes.

Ceiling

2006-05-06T16:42:00.000Z

On the rare occasions when I relax enough to enjoy a lie-in, I lie there (obviously) contemplating the ceiling.

This morning, however, a role reversal took place. The ceiling contemplated me.

I now have no roof over my head. And it's raining.

Celebrate

2006-05-04T20:58:00.000Z

When I moved in several people gave me bottles of champagne.

Nothing exciting enough to warrant opening them has happened since.

Tuneless

2006-05-03T14:38:00.000Z

I once had clarinet lessons.

After about six weeks, my music teacher declared I hadn't a musical note in my body. So I stopped.

I just play my iPod, now.

Sixty

2006-05-02T17:20:00.000Z

I neglected to turn one of my watches forward by an hour when British Summer Time began.

So for the last few weeks, I've had sixty more minutes than everyone else.

I feel superior.

Library

2006-05-01T18:15:00.000Z

Today I painted my shelves white and put my books onto them. I arranged them by size and colour as I do not approve of alphabetical order.

Monday

2006-05-01T14:25:00.000Z

Today is the very essence of humdrum, for today is a Bank Holiday. This means that I am at a loose end and have no idea what to do with myself. Indeed, Bank Holiday Mondays are so particularly humdrum that I am left with only one thought slowly meandering through my mind: "At least it's not a normal Monday".

It's Tuesday tomorrow. Tuesday is not a Bank Holiday.

Balls

2006-05-01T10:30:00.000Z

I remember having genitals once. It was great. Happy days.

I don't have genitals now, of course. But I don't mind. Always look on the bright side, that's what I say. "Keep your chin up," I say to Mrs Colin, when we're discussing my lack of genitals. "Worse things happen at sea, Mrs Colin. I may not have any genitals, my dear Mrs Colin, but then again I could be dead. So you have to think positively, don't you?"

Mrs Colin just glowers at me whilst polishing her knives, though.

Shower

2006-04-30T17:46:00.000Z

Sometimes, when I'm in the shower, I pretend that I'm in a shower gel advertisement.

This means that I pretend I have an amazingly strong power shower, even though I don't.

It also means that I pretend I have no genitals, even though I do.

Cancelled

2006-04-28T17:45:00.000Z

Today's post has been cancelled: nothing whatsoever has happened.

I am very sorry, but that's just how life is sometimes.

Lava

2006-04-26T17:44:00.000Z

I watch the colours and shapes form inside my lava lamp and find it relaxing, even though I know it isn't really lava.

I find it very assuring that I can readily accept such outright deceit.

I think about how inconvenient it would be if I were watching real lava in my living-room.

Journey

2006-04-25T17:44:00.000Z

I have slept in the back room of my house for 10 years. On Monday, I decided to move into the front room of my house.

Despite it being closer to the street - I do not regret my decision one bit.

Book

2006-04-24T17:43:00.000Z

While traveling on public transport, I look up and catch the brief smile of recognition from someone who is reading the same book as me.

I smile back.

If I were Italian or French or Spanish or American or almost any other nationality, I would probably take the opportunity to engage in a long literary discussion about the book, we would discover how similar our minds were, we would go for coffee and then an inevitably brief but torrid affair would follow.

I am British. I say nothing and return to my book.

Silence

2006-04-23T17:42:00.000Z

I've been humming an irritating song all day. It is driving me mad. I am at my wits end.

I remember a friend telling me that the only way you can get rid of an irritating song in your head is by singing Karma Chameleon by Culture Club.

I decide to give it a go.

Halfway through the second verse I suddenly realize it is the same song.

Wine

2006-04-22T17:40:00.000Z

I go to a posh(er) wine shop, because it's nearby and they have special offers.

I am browsing the wines when the assistant asks if he can help in any way.

"What kind of meal are you planning to serve it with?"

"Meal?" I answer, with reddened eyes.

Mystery?

2006-04-20T17:39:00.000Z

My girlfriend really loved me.

She said I was the 'bestest boyfriend ever'.

Life was perfect.

Then one day I came home to find her love had turned to fury and she had changed beyond all recognition.

Bleep

2006-04-19T17:38:00.000Z

I enjoy using the new self-service checkout at the supermarket.

I find it quite exciting, because I hope I might forget to put a couple of items through the scanner and end up charging myself less.

But I never do.

Parent

2006-04-18T17:36:00.000Z

It is the day on which I call my mother.

I called my mother. She talked. I listened.

I finished the conversation by claiming there was somewhere that I had to be.

That was a lie.

Same time next week, then.

Persona

2006-04-16T17:35:00.000Z

The phone rang.

I ignored it.

[I am trying to develop an elusive persona]

Clean

2006-04-15T17:34:00.000Z

I have just done the washing-up.

But I had no washing-up liquid left, so I had to scrub my pots and pans vigorously with a Brillo pad.

I felt a small sense of achievement at the end.

Contemplating

2006-04-14T17:29:00.000Z

Sometimes I like to sit on my Ikea sofa and just think about things.

[I am doing it now]

Rejection

2006-04-07T17:28:00.000Z

We chatted for a while.

I asked, 'Would you like to go for a coffee?'

She replied, 'No thank you'.

Our conversation petered out and we went our separate ways.

Arithmetic

2006-03-28T15:44:00.000Z

The lady in charge of my local £1 shop is rubbish at arithmetic.

Today, I went to her shop and bought a pack of 10 marker-pens for 99p?

Professional

2006-03-25T15:43:00.000Z

I asked 'what is your occupation?'

She replied 'I am a checkout girl'.

She asked 'what is your occupation?'

I replied 'I am a professional photographer. I walk up to things and photograph them for clients who feel unable to do it themselves'.

She was very impressed.

Weird

2006-03-24T15:42:00.001Z

Number of steps required to get from settee to kitchen - 20.

Number of steps required to get from kitchen back to settee - 22?

Shiny

2006-03-24T15:42:00.000Z

I bought myself a Dvd player from Woolworth's today.

Unfortunately, I don't have any Dvd's to play on it and the instruction book makes no sense whatsoever.

Despite this, I am very pleased with my purchase.

Time

2006-03-24T15:40:00.000Z

My hair takes 32 minutes to drip-dry [I have timed it].

I cannot say how long my hair takes to blow-dry [I do not own a hairdryer] but I suspect it would take less time.

Highlight

2006-03-24T15:38:00.000Z

The phone rings, I pick it up - no one is there?
The phone rings again, I pick it up - no one is there?
The phone rings again, I pick it up - no one is there?

The rest of my day has been uneventful.